things I am not proud of

I stayed too long, I wasn't strong
I couldn't leave, I was misconceived

I could easily have left for the sake of my babies
but it was not that easy to give up on my fantasies
my faith in forever and happily ever after with a man
who was loving me painfully and endlessly down in the sand
I lost my foothold and I slipped down in the abyss of pain
and all of the plans, hopes and dreams just came to nothing
I gave up on those who I should have chosen instead of him
and for that I feel ashamed and for giving so foolishly in
the forgiveness I met on the way as I was going back home
was undeserved but I had never made all alone on my own
I tried to be strong and pretend as if I was independent
but I failed in keeping up my facades by acting contended
I simply could not find the strength to watch him happy
carring on smiling and doing perfectly fine without me
and for my lack of indifference to his very being
I feel small, incredibly stupid and deeply wrong
in my search for more to life I found several men
and yet I did the same mistake all over again
surely I could not devote myself to their attention
since I was still intoxicated from my previous addiction
but I easily lost track of myself in their words
to avoid and comprehend more damage or hurt
and I am embarresed that I had to take advantage of men
only to get a fragile hold of myself again
and as I later experienced that I had always been wrong
in things I had defended in my belief of love
I must honestly apologize to those I have criticized
for trying to prove me wrong and make me realise
that I did not need to suffer for my convictions
it's forgivable to be wrong and then change them
it took a while and a lot to make it that far
but finally I made it where they probably are
I've learned to trust in the right kind of people
instead of giving myself away to the ones who are evil
I am so much more than he ever made of me
and I am so grateful for those who made me see
though the means and ways have been slightly wrong
I don't any longer need anyone's love to rely on

I am not proud of who I was and what I've done
but I am proud of who I am and what I've become